He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
