I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
