FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
