Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
