I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
