Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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