True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
