dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
