are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
