so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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