if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Farmville is her only friend.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
