I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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