You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
