omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
