I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
