i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
