Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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