I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
