Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
