just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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