After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
