mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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