No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
