Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
