Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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