How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
