some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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