Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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