The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize