are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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