dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
