did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
