I wish I only lived at night.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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