Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
