In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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