Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
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i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
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Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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