At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I want her autograph on my taint
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
not ubering you a puppy
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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