My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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