grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
