ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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