Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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