Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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