He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
