By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
