I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
