Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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