In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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