i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
