I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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