My boss' voice literally gives me gas
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
