There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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