My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...