I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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