You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
