Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
