Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
