hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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