I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
